Lofland bLOG

Currently Reading The World According to Mister Rogers by Fred Rogers

Godseeker23 said this yesterday: “A kid I babysit found out that “bleeding” is not synonymous with “hurting.” (She stuck her finger in the scissors.) I hate it when kids bleed.”

That got me thinking about emotions. Stopping a person from crying or yelling does not stop the emotion behind the outburst. No one likes to see a kid bleed, but what about watching a kid have an emotional outburst? What about listening to a teenager talk about feelings that you feel are destructive to them? If your son tells you he wants to commit suicide, what do you do? What if your daughter tells you she is in love with a creep? Do you go nuts and tell them they shouldn’t think such things and must stop now?

I know people who were told that they were “bad” or “sinning” when they shared feelings that made their parents uncomfortable. This efficitively taught them to bottle up their feelings and not share them.

The problem is, the feelings don’t go away just because you stop sharing them. In fact, quite the opposite, we tend to more easily release emotions that we have expressed.

Emotions are like gas, if we keep it in, it hurts and makes us feel bad, but if we let it out, then we feel better, and it is done and gone. Sometimes, though, letting it out is embarrasing and makes other people uncomfortable.

The same goes with actions really. When your teenage son comes in with some body alteration (piercing, tattoo, etc) that you generally dislike, what do you say? When your daughter comes down the stairs in some outfit that makes you think more of illicit solicitation what do you do? If your son or daughter starts listening to “death metal,” getting into knives, and generally acting anti-social, what is the right response?

To me I think the first thing on your mind should not be, “You are NOT leaving the house like that!” Instead, the first question in your mind, that you should work to answer, is, “why?” What feelings is my son trying to express through these things that he knows I don’t like? What emotions is my daughter feeling that are causing her to want to dress this way? Then the next thing is not to tell them the emotions are sin.

So, all that, to get here. If my teenager starts acting or dressing strangly, or blows up, I know to talk to them like an adult and discuss their feelings openly. But what do I do with a two or three year old? I want them to feel free to share their feelings or emotions. However, screaming at the top of their lungs, or lying on the floor crying for thirty minutes because they don’t want to put their shirt on is not acceptable. How do I make the line between teaching them to behave themselves, and teaching them to bottle up their emotions?

I have a book of quotes from Mr. Rogers. There is a really good one about how our feelings are not “good” or “bad,” but just “there.” I’ll have to look that up and post it here later. Funny how the cutting edge theology of 2005 completely falls to it’s knees over simple principles that Mr. Rogers was promoting on public television over 20 years ago.

Posted 10/20/2006 12:46 PM

8 Comments:

The way you explained approaching other people gives them room for aspects of their life that you don’t know are there. That’s good. Only God knows everything.
Posted 10/20/2006 11:13 PM by Godseeker23

And you don’t have to tell a person their feelings are bad to get them to stop telling you about it. Just explain to them from the Bible that that’s the wrong way to feel. It works.
Posted 10/20/2006 11:17 PM by Godseeker23

Someone might almost think we’d discussed this subject before. It wasn’t planned–honest!
Posted 10/21/2006 10:51 AM by ThoughtForFood

whats crazy is alot of adults have no clue on what to do with their teen or their younger kid. my thoughts are that if you bring them up right you wont run into alot of those problems when they are teenagers. and by the time they are teens they are mature beyond their years so their is no struggle with that. very good post it got me thinkin. lol
Posted 10/21/2006 1:19 PM by mynameischrisandimbored

So what do you do if your kid decides he likes to be correct, dress in a shirt and tie, and other such abnormal behavior. Can that be an indication of something wrong, deep inside?
Posted 11/19/2006 11:31 PM by madhatterb78

You mean abnormal behavior, like wearing polo shirts with the top button buttoned?
Posted 11/21/2006 10:54 AM by ThinkingOnTheEdge

lol…a prime example

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Posted 11/22/2006 12:23 AM by madhatterb78

Ted Dekker thinks they are, which got me thinking about it. Not everyone, it’s true–but maybe a subculture, and maybe within the church. Reason isn’t bad, it’s just easier to logicize stuff than to fall in love with Jesus. (Takes less commitment.) You hear what I’m saying, don’t you? What do you think?
Posted 12/6/2006 12:13 PM by Godseeker23