From David Copperfield, by Charles Dickens:
“I search my breast, and I commit its secrets, if I know them, … to this paper. The old unhappy loss or want of something had, I am conscious, some place in my heart; but not to the embitterment of my life. When I walked alone in the fine weather, and thought of the summer days when all the air had been filled with my boyish enchantments, I did miss something of the realization of my dreams; but I thought it was a softened glory of the past, which nothing could have thrown upon the present time. I did feel, sometimes, for a little while, that I could have wished my wife had been my counselor; had had more character and purpose, to sustain me, and improve me by; had been endowed with power to fill up the void which somewhere seemed to be about me; but I felt as if this were an unearthly consummation of my happiness, that never had been meant to be, and never could have been.”
“The old unhappy feelings pervaded my life. It was deepened, if it were changed at all; but it was as undefined as ever, and addressed me like a strain of sorrowful music faintly heard in the night. … I was happy; but the happiness I had vaguely anticipated, once, was not the happiness I enjoyed, and there was always something wanting.
“… What I missed, I still regarded-I always regarded-as something that had been a dream of my youthful fancy; that was incapable of realization; that I was now discovering to be so, with some natural pain, as all men did. But, that it would have been better for me if my wife could have helped me more, and shared the many thoughts in which I had no partner; and that this might have been; I knew.
“Between these two irreconcilable conclusions: the one, that what I felt was general and unavoidable; the other, that it was particular to me, and might have been different: I balanced curiously, with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other. When I thought of the airy dreams of youth that are incapable of realization, I thought of the better state preceding manhood that I had outgrown.”
The old unhappy loss or want of something had
I did miss something of the realization of my dreams; but I thought it was a softened glory of the past, which nothing could have thrown upon the present time.
but I felt as if this were an unearthly consummation of my happiness, that never had been meant to be, and never could have been.
Between these two irreconcilable conclusions: the one, that what I felt was general and unavoidable; the other, that it was particular to me, and might have been different: I balanced curiously, with no distinct sense of their opposition to each other.
David was finding that his marriage did not bring quite the happiness that he had anticipated. He felt this was a combination of simply learning about the realities of life and of decisions he had made. He was really not sure what the problem was.
These words sunk deep into my heart when I head them read last week, for the describe my feelings about my current employment almost exactly. While David needed the patience to deal with the thing he could not change, I need the courage to deal with what I can. I’m not sure which is harder. I think it would be easier to just accept my employment as unchangeable and learn to live with the sense of loss, than to strike out anew at this point. I’m not sure even what I should do. I need the wisdom to know the difference!
I feel that I am at a crisis point in my faith. I feel strange using that term, because I’ve “been there” for some years now, but it is building like a storm. I really must discover and decide certain things about God in order to move forward. Who I perceive God to be must either have a profound impact on my life, or my life should just fit into the “mold” that God has made all life to be.
Am I a bird or a man? Birds fulfill God’s purpose for their lives simply by being birds. They do nothing special, only their role. I have traveled for some time under that same mentality. I am a bird. I make a living, I build a home, I find a wife, I raise my kids, I function according to God’s design for the universe, and thus I glorify Him.
IS that right? Or should God have such a profound impact on my life that I do NOT fit into this world, but am a stranger and a pilgrim, not just figuratively, but even more in reality?
Feeling this point with particular strength yesterday, as it had grown over our recent vacation, I started watching Spider Man 2 last night. I really was completely unprepared to be hit in the face with my exact question. I’d seen the movie before, but forgot just how applicable it is to my situation. (Perhaps this shows that I was not feeling this so strongly when I last saw the movie.)
What should Spider Man do? Should he ditch the clown suit, do his homework and hold down a steady job so he can provide for the girl he loves and raise a family? Perhaps even save his Aunt’s house from being repossessed? Or should he be what God made him to be, put on the suit, fight crime, go out into the world and do good and noble deeds for the good of all mankind while his own family suffers the inevitable consequences?
Whose hero should he be?
Should I stay in a very well paying, very steady job with lots of paid vacation time, regardless of if the work does absolutely no good for mankind and bores and numbs me so badly that I feel it is literally eating away at my soul? Or should I leave all of this luxury and commit my life to serving God full time in some sort of ministry where I can work with people and do some good in this world, allowing my family to suffer the difficulties of living without? Without financial ease to buy the things we need as we need them, without medical/dental insurance to quickly diagnose and treat any ailment that may come along, without paid vacation time to build our relationships?
I’m not sure which one is right, which one is God’s direction?
Both have selfish motives for me. I stay with my good job so that my family does not suffer and I do not have to deal with the stress of finances. I leave my good job so that I can seek personal fulfillment by serving God and others.
The question is, which direction do I go, and why? I must either sell my soul to the devil or to God, but I can’t differentiate the two! I hear the two voices in my head and I do not know which is which.
Am I a bird, meant to glorify God by simply being steady, denying my heart, and working hard to provide for my nest? Or am I a super hero, meant to glorify God by serving people, denying my family the comfortable life that I know i could provide for them?
Do I have a choice to make, and if so which one? Or is this all just the lost of my boyish fantasy, finding out the reality of life, feeling the deep pain in my soul that is common to all men on earth? Should I just count my blessings, apply myself to the task I have before me, and be a good bird for God?
Posted 5/17/2007 11:17 AM
4 Comments:
Why, do you suppose am I currently unemployed and doing part time work for my dad’s company to keep bills paid, when I could be out earning my keep?
I hear ya LOUD and CLEAR bro! If you find a definitive, rather than just a subjective answer, let me know!
Till then– It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’…, it’s…, it’s…– You, me, Spidey, and Superman!
Posted 5/18/2007 5:19 PM by Krash2Fly
Wow. What a question. I wish you a way towards the answer even if you can’t find it now.
Posted 5/21/2007 8:27 PM by Godseeker23
Hey Christen,
First, I just want to say how much I respect you for being willing, to not only struggle with these thoughts that might be easier to just ignore, but also for being willing to share them with others, some of which you haven’t even met J. I truly admire your heart to seek God’s will for your life, and to admit struggle even when you are an adult with a family. I know that God is pleased when we admit our need for Him and cry out for his help. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting.” James 1:5-6
May I suggest one thought? Have you considered that you might be battling a false dichotomy? Perhaps God has provided a way in which men may serve him with their whole lives, while still living in the station to which he was called, according to the gifts he has been given. This passage from 1 Corinthians 7 is very good:
“17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches. 18 Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision. 19 For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God. 20 Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called. 21 Were you a slave when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.) 22 For he who was called in the Lord as a slave is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a slave of Christ. 23 You were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men. 24 So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.”
Paul touches on many topics here, but one thing we can undoubtably gather from the passage is that God enabled each of us to live abundant and sacrificial lives for Him, regardless of where we find ourselves. Paul is encouraging those who find themselves in difficult situations not to feel as though they must be in full time ministry, or even economic freedom, in order to please and serve the Lord. In fact, most of our brothers and sisters, throughout history, have had vocational jobs that simply supported their local economy. Even though this may seem less glamorous than the work of a missionary, I don’t believe that it is any less worthy in God’s sight. When we as Christians spread the gospel, it is these very people that we are reaching out to. Jesus was a carpenter for almost his whole life (as far as we know). There is no doubt that each of us are called to live passionate lives for our savior, abandoning the world, our own ambitions and comfort in order to advance his Kingdom. This is clear in scripture. But maybe we have the ability to do this no matter our vocation, station, salary or situation.
“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.” James 1:27.
“Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, 2 so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.” 1 Pet 4:1-2
The cool thing about this is that scripture also tells us what the will of God is for us:
“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. 15 See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” I Thes 5:14-17
The good news is that Christ died, and we have been buried with him, and that now he has given us his righteousness and worth before God. Jesus called us to “sell everything and follow him” but through other passages in the Bible, I think that for most of us this usually means selling all of our pre-conceptions, ambitions and expectations and then going where-ever he calls us to go- even if He’s calling us to something that doesn’t appear to be helpful. There are so many encouraging examples of this in the Bible. One of my favorites is David, the supposedly future King of Israel, when he was living with the Philistines- the very enemies of Israel whom he had defeated when he killed Goliath. No doubt that he felt pretty confused and wondered if his life was pointless at those times. No doubt he wondered if all the prophesies and hopes were no more than a dream of his youth. But God was leading David, in places he would never have chosen, and yet David continually sought to inquire of the Lord, and to only go where the Lord promised to go before him.
Christen, I have no idea what the will of the Lord is for your life. I have no doubt that he has prepared many good works for you. And I would guess that this will look different at different times of your life. Perhaps God has a vocational ministry in store for you. That would be so wonderful, and I respect your faith and willingness to follow Him there, if he were to call you. But I just want to encourage you, if He were to call you to remain in your current situation, that no matter where you are, that you don’t have to just be a bird. That there are opportunities all around us, in our homes, churches and communities, provided by God, to bring him glory and to do his work. In fact, if you are financially stable you probably have even more lee-way than most to serve others around you. I’m sure there are many people around you that could benefit, simply from a gift of hospitality, wisdom, knowledge and fellowship that you could offer them. I know for a fact that God has given you and Jerusha many beautiful giftings. One of the most wonderful “games” or adventures in life is discovering ways to use them. J
I hope this is encouraging to you. I know that Jared and I have to struggle with and remember these things regularly (I mean, the prospect of being a stay at home mom can feel pretty insignificant and unglamorous compared to being an evangelist to the inner city or the middle east- yet imagine how many Christians have been called to this). But what is so cool is that God never ceases to surprise us, by using us to serve, encourage and spread the good news to others- even if it happens in the most unexpected ways J (ask Jared, he could tell you some crazy stories). May the Lord bless you and continue to show you His will. I can’t wait to see all of the wonderful things He will undoubtedly do in your life. J
“7 Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, 8 and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us. 9 Slaves are to be submissive to their own masters in everything; they are to be well-pleasing, not argumentative, 10 not pilfering, but showing all good faith, so that in everything they may adorn the doctrine of God our Savior.” Titus 2:7-10
Our Lord be with you,
~Jessica
Posted 5/22/2007 7:57 AM by Tegwenava
Well, yeah, but you could just buy a new cell phone. You have to do that anyway. And I think it was Jared who first demonstrated to me how to do that =)
Posted 5/22/2007 10:54 AM by madhatterb78
God has really placed you on my heart through all this, and I will be praying for you.